For the last week, Maddy has been having a rough time at nights. He was waking up almost every hour and wanting to nurse. And he only wanted to sleep in our bed. I finally got him to spread out his feedings but he has been screaming the second I lay him down in his own bed. So I decided to try the Cry It Out Method again but in intervals. It was really, really hard last night. I felt like a horrible mother. His capacity for crying has increased and he can cry louder and longer. I’m debating as to whether or not I should keep this up. I just feel so bad. He cried so much Saturday night that he was exhausted Sunday and slept for most of the day. And again last night- he is taking a really long nap right now probably trying to recover. I can’t help but think that he’s just a baby and wants to be near his mom and dad and feel our warmth and love. I think if he cries tonight, I will hold him and let him sleep with me. I love him so much and it breaks my heart to not be able to comfort him when he might be scared. I have been researching it online and there are lots of articles on both ends of the spectrum- those who say just let him cry and those who say he’ll grow out of it on his own. We’ll see what happens tonight but I set a goal when I became a mother: I never want Maddy to doubt my love for him. I want him to feel loved every second of every day. No matter what. And he is getting to an age where he is starting to understand that I am leaving the room and not there anymore. And he remembers things. I know that he still loves me and he is happy to see me in the mornings but I don’t want to take advantage of his innocence. One article I read said that I can’t just decide to stop being a mom at night because I want to sleep. And I agree. It made me realize how selfish I have been. If Maddy wants to nurse every hour then that’s what he needs and I should allow him to. I am his caretaker and this may be my only opportunity to nurse and raise my own baby. I want to value every moment I have with him. I think writing this has made me realize that I need to be more patient and less selfish.
