Where did my baby go?

Maddox turned 3.  Every time I think of that I get teary-eyed and I picture Maddox as a newborn in the hospital.  He is my best friend.  We spend every day and all day together.  He sees me at my worst and he still loves me.  He forgives me when I lose my temper and I am still his primary source of comfort.  He is becoming a big boy right before my eyes but he is still very tender and affectionate.  He asks to snuggle me several times throughout the day and after nap time.  He still gives me kisses and hugs regularly and he now says, "Love you, Mama" which completely melts my heart.  Maddox is the sweetest little boy I have ever met.  He has been speaking so much more now and the more he says the more we are able to see inside and get to know his cute little personality.  He is a very silly little boy and has a great sense of humor.  He loves to dance and loves music.  Maddox is a typical boy and loves all things cars, trains, trucks, sports, etc.  He is very active and has a ton of energy.  He still sleeps on his bedroom floor at night but is gradually moving further away which I am taking as a good thing since further away means closer to the bed.  He is still a picky eater and now does not eat hot dogs.  He will eat corn dogs but not hot dogs.  So his dinner options are slim and consist of a quesadilla with Taco Bell hot sauce or mac n cheese or what I have cooked for me and Allan.  Sometimes, he doesn't eat dinner.  And after many battles and research, I am okay with that.  Almost every day, I tell Maddox, "You don't have to eat it."  That's my new motto and it is very liberating.  I give Maddox options and if he doesn't want any of them or doesn't want to eat then that's okay.  He will survive and so will I.  However, the most frustrating thing in the world to me recently is when I make him what he wants and he takes one bite and doesn't want it anymore or thinks it's gross.  Ugh!!!!  But I am working on remembering that it is only food and wasting a little bit of food now is better than traumatizing him into eating everything put in front of him for years to come.  Wow... who knew being a mom was so hard?  And honestly, that is what I am realizing.  I thought it was easy when I just had one and when Maddox was just a baby.  But I am learning that this motherhood thing is serious work and I feel a lot of pressure every day to be better.  And unfortunately for Maddox, he is my little monkey test subject in this big experiment of me becoming a parent.  I love him so much and I feel so bad after I yell at him or hurt him in any way.  He always runs back into my arms so readily and is so forgiving.  That is his best quality.  He sees the best in people and when they let him down, he forgives so willingly.  I am so proud of who he is.  I know he was born with a big heart and I am grateful that I get to be his mommy forever.

A new attitude emerges...

Maddox has recently developed a little bit of an attitude.  It really isn't that bad but because he has always been easygoing and passive, it has taken me by surprise and I'm not handling it very well.  His attitude consists of telling me to "stop" or saying "no" to me, hitting me, being disobedient and defiant, running away from me when he is in trouble and taking things away from me and away from Jackie.  Overall, Maddox is still a very sweet, loving and affectionate boy.  He has good days and bad days and so do I.  We are learning how to live with one another as he develops into his own independent self.  Usually, I just put him in a time out or in his bedroom.  That does the job but there have been days where he gets 10 time outs and I get so worn out and lose my patience.  I have to admit that I have definitely lost my temper with him and yelled at him and grabbed him on the arm probably a little too hard.  I always feel so so bad afterwards and say sorry and hug and kiss him and we snuggle.  But I know that doesn't make it right or make it okay.  I'm working on not losing my temper and trying to be more patient but it may be a lifelong struggle for me.  Maddox loves swimming, baths and showers and pretty much anything where he can play with water.  He is still very tan and has beautiful skin.  We are growing his hair out again so he's once again in the mullet phase.  Poor guy.  But he really is beautiful.  He still is a very picky eater but I have adopted the motto, "You don't have to eat it."  This really has made my life less stressful and hopefully, has made Maddox's experience with eating and food more positive.  I buy somewhat healthy snacks and he has his own shelf in the pantry.  He can choose any of those foods whenever he is hungry.  I feed him oatmeal or cereal for breakfast and then he usually snacks until dinner.  At dinner, I give him a choice of a hot dog, mac n cheese, pancakes, or a quesadilla.  If he doesn't want any of those things, then I don't make him anything and he can fend for himself.  He only drinks orange juice and chocolate milk and occasionally water.  He loves Taco Bell hot sauce, pop tarts, peanuts, and cereal.  Maddox has started speech therapy and has been improving a ton with his speaking just in the last couple of months.  It happened very quickly and he finally figured out that talking is easier than making monkey noises and pointing.  He is obsessed with TV and his Ipad.  We have been working on that slowly.  Maddox still takes an afternoon nap most days but it's getting later and I'm not sure it will last much longer.  He loves to snuggle still which I am so happy about.  He comes into my bed in the mornings and we snuggle while we wake up and then he snuggles me after his nap.  He is very affectionate with Jackie and loves wrestling with him and hugging him and tickling him.  They get along so well and Maddox is so good with him.  Maddox doesn't like to share but he is doing better every day.  Maddox still sleeps on his floor every night and has a collection of toys, stuffed animals and books that he arranges around him every night.  I've given up on that battle of making him sleep in a bed and it has been very freeing.  Overall, Maddox is a healthy, energetic, loving, good boy.  I am so proud of him and who he is becoming.  He is so patient and forgiving with  me.  He is my best friend and I spend every day all day with him.  He sees all of my weaknesses and mistakes and he still loves me.  I couldn't ask for a more perfect little partner.

Sleep Training = Crazy Pills

Jaxon will be 10 months tomorrow... where has the time gone?  My tiny baby is no longer tiny.  Jackie crawls around everywhere, pulls himself up, climbs and walks along the couch.  He has become very independent.  He loves swimming, taking baths, and playing outside.  He loves playing with his brother and thinks Maddox is absolutely hilarious.  But more than anything, Jaxon loves and is completely obsessed with food.  Every time any one of us has food, Jackie screams and screeches at the top of his lungs until we give him a bite.  When he wants another bite, the whole neighborhood knows about it and we just can't seem to shovel the food in fast enough.  He is so vocal and has quite the temper. The last month I have been working on sleep training him and have realized just how deep his stubbornness runs.  Jaxon hates his crib.  He will sleep next to me on the couch, he will sleep next to me in my bed and he will even sleep in his bouncer in the family room.  But he will not sleep in his crib unless I wear him out which takes 1 to 2 hours and even then, the first time he wakes up, he immediately cries and stands up and will not go back to sleep.  To this day, he has not fallen asleep on his own in his crib.  So every night I nurse him to sleep in my bed and then carefully try to transfer him into the crib.  I have about a 70% success rate.  Then about 1 hour later, Jaxon wakes up screaming.  So I rock him to sleep and carefully place him in his crib.  Immediately, he wakes up and screams and I walk out and let him cry for about 10 minutes.  Then I go back in and start the process over again.  These intervals of rocking, transferring, crying last about an hour until he gets so tired that he gives up the fight and lets himself sleep in the crib.  After 2 to 4 hours which is now in the middle of the night, he wakes up angry that he is in his crib and cries until I either rock him again or let him into my bed.  I usually let him into my bed.  It's such a hard process.  In Jaxon's mind, I should lay down with him in my bed and nurse him all night every night. I hate sleep training and if it were up to me, I would let me babies sleep with me forever.  But Allan had had enough and I could tell it was time for us to have our bed back.  Plus, once Jackie could crawl, I couldn't leave him in my bed alone because he would crawl right off.  It is very nice having that one hour to ourselves with the kids asleep and in bed.  So that's my struggle right now- sleep training.  Jackie is very healthy and still in the 65th percentile in height and weight like he has been his whole life.  However, he has a huge head and is in the 85th percentile in head circumference.  He has horrible baby eczema and dry patchy red rashes on his arms, nipples, stomach, shoulders and back.  He also still has cradle cap even though I've scratched most of his oily scabs off of his scalp.  He got his two bottom teeth finally!  And just the other day, his top tooth cut through.  Nursing has not been fun since he got that top one.  Jaxon has been doing things that show me he knows what's going on.  He has been practicing waving recently and loves to dance.  Whenever music comes on, he starts rocking back and forth if he's sitting or he'll bounce if he's standing.  He also like to try and put clothes on by putting them on his head and pulling down.  Jaxon is also still incredibly ticklish and if anybody touches him on his neck or chest or thighs he giggles and laughs uncontrollably.  Jackie has the quickest hands especially when it comes to food.  He loves food and is always trying to grab people's plates and get his hands on anything edible.  He loves typing on the keyboard of the computer and loves hitting Maddox's ipad screen.  Jaxon is such a good boy and loves playing with toys and reading books.  Most of the time, he is happy, giggly, and playful.  But he can go quickly to his only other state- crying, screaming, screeching and whining.  He pretty much has two moods and there's not a whole lot in between.  I'm glad that he is so expressive and I have never wondered what or how he is really feeling.  I am grateful that he feels comfortable enough to know that I will try my best to meet his every need.  And I'm so grateful that he loves me so much and wants to be touched and loved by me and only me.  Jackie is our baby and he brings us so much joy.  He is the life of our party most of the time and usually the center of everyone's attention.

Parenting and Patience

So Jaxon is now 8 months old and Maddox is almost 3. Where has the time gone? Jaxon has improved so much in the last month when it comes to being fussy when he's not being held. He plays with toys a lot and is on the verge of crawling. He always ends up on all fours and thinks he is stuck. But mostly, his mode of transportation is rolling. He rolls all around the house. Jax is still very much attached to me and has a very difficult time when I leave him. I tried to go to a local gym to workout and left him at the childcare. They came to get me 10 minutes later because he was inconsolable. The second I walked in and held him he stopped crying. It was very disappointing because I was really looking forward to being able to go to the gym since the weather is too cold for us to use the jogging stroller. I'm realized that part of my sacrifice as a mother is being fat. Well, Jaxon finally found a love for solids and all food. He wants a bite of everything I am eating and gets very mad if I'm not quick about sharing. He loves graham crackers, ritz crackers, popcorn, baby cereal with apple juice and his absolute favorite is ice cream. I haven't really been giving him a lot of baby food just because I'm lazy but I feed him cereal once or twice a day and give him lots of snacks in between. Basically, whenever Maddox or I eat, he gets to share. Jaxon is still an amazingly great sleeper. He is doing a lot better at decreasing his feedings in the night too. Jax has such a cute smile and laugh. He is so in love with Maddox and his daddy. He also loves bath time and taking showers. Jaxon is so special and such a huge source of happiness for our family. He is super chubby and has a fat kid laugh that is contagious. Everywhere I go people comment on how cute and chubby he is. I couldn't ask for a more perfect baby for me in my life right now. He reminds me to slow down and enjoy my baby while he is still small and dependent. He gives me love and affection every second of every day. His touch and smell automatically comfort me. He is my little sidekick almost always attached to me and I'm obsessed. 
Maddox has progressed so much in the last 2 weeks with his speech. He had a speech evaluation this week and a couple ladies came to the house to evaluate him. They are going to let me know what their recommendation is in about a week. But he is starting to put two words together on his own so now instead of just "Look!" he will say, "Look, Mama!" or instead of "Sorry" he will say, "Sorry, Jackie." He is also starting to say a lot more phrases and sentences. And he is repeating everything I ask him to when we are reading books. I am starting to see a lot more of just how sweet and loving he is now that he can express what he is thinking. For example, he has recently started saying "Sorry, Mama" any time he thinks he may have displeased me or done anything he wasn't supposed to. It actually makes me really sad so I'm trying to teach him that he only says sorry when he does something wrong on purpose or accidentally hurts someone.Yesterday at Walmart, I bought some lotion and he was sitting in the main part of the cart. I told him not to touch it and in about 30 seconds of looking away, Maddox had squirted lotion everywhere. It was all over him, the cart, and an entire shelf of an aisle. I was furious but being that we were in the middle of walmart, I didn't yell and just started cleaning it up. I definitely let Maddox know with my body language and my huffing and puffing that I was not happy. After a couple of minutes of watching me, unprompted, Maddox said, "Sorry, Mama." It was so sincere and I could tell he genuinely felt bad. I still told him that what he did was wrong but I also got to see that he has a soft heart and didn't like making me mad. Maddox has become addicted to TV and his Ipad so we are in the process of weaning him from both. It has not been fun and there have been hours of screaming, tantrums and crying but it has to happen. Although I will say he is attracted to very educational shows. His favorites are Little Einsteins which teaches him about music, math, and literature and Umi Zoomi which teaches him colors, shapes and numbers. Maddox is also very good at puzzles. He can put together puzzles on his own on his ipad apps. He is still obsessed with cars, trucks and trains. And he still has an incredible amount of energy. We went to the Detroit zoo for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he caused a scene because he started chasing the ducks and geese that were walking around. He wanted to touch them and apparently normal kids don't because Maddox was the only kid chasing them and everyone stopped to stare and laugh. I was trying to stop him but I had the double stroller and Jaxy in a carrier so it took me a while. Anyway, Maddox ran circles around us at the zoo and didn't stop until I strapped him into his car seat. He has endless energy! Maddox still is a very picky eater and only eats hot dogs, tortilla chips and anything with maple syrup. He also loves tortilla chips with salsa and/or guacamole. He loves nursery and his teachers seem to really like him. Maddox is learning to share and take turns which is difficult for him. Usually, he will share after much coaxing but then right after he has given the toy away, he will throw a huge tantrum. But at least he gives the toy away. Not we just have to work on the reaction. Maddox is still very affectionate and we spend time snuggling after his nap and in the mornings. Maddox also still sleeps on the floor of his bedroom by the door every single night. And most nights, he cries himself to sleep because he wants out. I wonder if he will ever sleep in a bed and if he will ever just fall asleep instead of fighting it. I can only imagine what that would be like. He still has a child lock door knob on the inside of his bedroom which may have to stay for another couple of years. I'm hoping that once he and Jaxy share a room all of our bedtime problems will be solved. Ya, right. Ha ha. In the meantime, we are doing the best we can. Conference was a couple weeks ago and there was a talk that I loved that I hope to remember when I'm struggling with being a mom. It's by Elder Wilford Andersen and he talks about parenting and practicing patience. This is my favorite quote:
"When our children are little, we can sing them the lullaby of love unfeigned, and when they are obstinate and refuse to go to sleep at night, we might need to sing the lullaby of long-suffering. When they are teenagers, we can tune out the cacophony of arguments and threats and, instead, perform the beautiful music of persuasion—and perhaps sing the second verse of the lullaby of long-suffering. Parents can perform in perfect harmony the tandem attributes of gentleness and meekness. We can invite our children to sing along with us in unison as we practice kindness toward a neighbor who is in need.
It won’t come all at once. As every accomplished musician knows, it takes diligent practice to perform beautiful music. If early efforts at making music seem dissonant and discordant, remember that dissonance cannot be corrected by criticism. Dissonance in the home is like darkness in a room. It does little good to scold the darkness. We must displace the darkness by introducing light.
So if the basses in your family choir are too loud and overbearing, or if the string section in your family orchestra is a little too shrill or a little bit sharp, or if those impetuous piccolos are out of tune or out of control, be patient. If you’re not hearing the music of the gospel in your home, please remember these two words: keep practicing. With God’s help, the day will come when the music of the gospel will fill your home with unspeakable joy.
Even when performed well, the music will not solve all of our problems. There will still be crescendos and decrescendos in our lives, staccatos and legatos. Such is the nature of life on planet earth.
But when we add music to the dance steps, the sometimes complicated rhythms of marriage and family life tend to move toward a harmonious balance. Even our most difficult challenges will add rich plaintive tones and moving motifs. The doctrines of the priesthood will begin to distill upon our souls as the dews from heaven. The Holy Ghost will be our constant companion, and our scepter—a clear reference to power and influence—will be an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth. And our dominion will be an everlasting dominion. And without compulsory means it will flow unto us forever and ever."

Jaxy Chunk-Chunks

I realize that I documented Maddox's first months more regularly than I have Jaxon's.  So this post will be completely devoted to our little guy, Jaxy.  First, we have given him several nicknames including but not limited to: Jackie, Jax, Jaxy, Chunk-chunks, Stink-stinks, Chunkas, Grumpy Baby, Baby, and probably a ton more that I can't think of right now.  Jaxy is the epitome of a mama's boy.  He cannot take his eyes off of me and stares at me pretty much the whole day.  He always wants me to be holding him and usually he also wants me to be nursing him.  Obviously, I don't hold him all day long so he spends a lot of time whining and crying.  It's not a full-on cry but it's a very annoying, grunting, whining cry.  Jaxy has no desire to crawl because in his mind, he shouldn't even be on the floor.  He also has no desire to eat solids probably because he thinks I should be nursing him all day.  He definitely knows what he wants and when he doesn't get it, he lets everyone know with his temper.  If I take something away from him that he wants to play with, he instantly screams and cries until I give it back.  He has started to play with toys and it's really cute.  His idea of playing with a toy consists of grabbing it and putting it in his mouth then shaking it, then putting it in his mouth again.  He has reached the grabbing stage and has already gotten food, poop, and soap on his hands.  Although Jaxy can be particular and demanding, he is the biggest sweetheart I have ever met and just melts our hearts with his smile.  He is very social and whenever people come over or I'm in a group talking holding him, he stares and smiles during the conversation like he knows what's going on.  He is very ticklish under his neck and I can always make him laugh by kissing him there.  And his laugh is contagious.  Jaxy has very sensitive skin and has had severe cradle cap since birth.  It started out at dandruff, then progressed to oily scaly flakes, and then moved down to a red bumpy rash over his sideburns.  He also has had diaper rash a lot.  Jaxon has a huge head and big ears that stick out and humongous cheeks.  But when you put it all together, he is the cutest!  He is a fantastic sleeper and does so well at nights.  He can sleep through Maddox screaming and Allan turning on lights and shutting doors.  As long as he is right next to me, he stays asleep.  He still nurses a lot in the night but I'm sure part of it is being in a new place.  Jaxon loves his feet and always reaches for them when he first lays down.  He also loves listening to me sing.  He will just stare at me and smile whenever I am singing.  As a mother, having a second baby with a toddler was a very difficult transition.  I often feel guilty for not spending as much "quality" time with Jaxon as I did with Maddox.  I probably have not held Jaxon as much as I held Maddox either.  We have moved two times in Jaxon's short little life, the most recent move was across the country.  I have felt frustrated with the fact that I can't hold Jaxon all day and also, that because I don't, we all get to listen to a baby crying.  It has worn on me some days and I feel bad about that.  I don't know why he is that way because as my brother-in-law put it, I "don't hold him all the time and he still cries, so he must have been born that way." I think that Jaxon isn't needy but is my own personal reminder to slow down and focus on what's important.  I will never get this time back.  Jaxon is only a baby now and he is completely obsessed and in love with me.  It won't be like that for very much longer.  So for now, I try to enjoy and appreciate how much he needs me and only me.  I love my chunky baby and I am so grateful for his perfect personality.

Thanksgiving in San Diego

We had an amazing time in San Diego and were blessed with perfect beach weather. Maddox was his typical self and was constantly exploring new places and trying to escape. Allan and I wised up though and bought child-proof door knob covers. However, that did not save us from a couple of "only Maddox" moments. Several times during the long weekend, Maddox was able to sneak out into the garage and climb up onto Grandpa's motorcycle. Maddox also managed to lock himself in a bedroom that had no key. Late one night, as Allan and I were heading to bed, we realized that the door was locked and Maddox was laying asleep right by it on the inside. So my dad came to the rescue. He first attempted to drill into the door knob but after a lot of time and no results, finally my dad kicked down the door in heroic style. During my dad's drilling, our whole family was in the hall gathered around him and of course, voicing our opinions and arguing about how we should handle the situation. I was so glad to have such patient parents who were only concerned with Maddox's welfare. We spent almost every day at the beach. My mom and dad brought a kite one day and Maddox fell in love. The wind was not cooperated but my dad was so sweet and carried the kite behind Maddox as he walked up and down the beach. Allan spent a lot of time in the water and showed off his surfing skills. We also welcomed home Camilla from her mission. She looked great and was back to her old self in no time.