Jaxon is 18 months old!

So I'm not going to waste any time writing about how long it has been since the last time I have posted... my time to be on the computer is short and precious and I will soon have a screaming toddler and a needy threenager clawing at me and banging on the keys of the computer.  So... Jaxon is 18 months old.  I am truthfully devastated.  I don't know where his babyhood went.  I can't believe that I don't have a baby and am not pregnant.  But mostly, I feel like my mom guilt is convincing me that I didn't enjoy his babyhood enough.  I didn't stop and stare at him and think how simply and utterly adorable he was enough.  I didn't let him destroy the house all the while thinking he is such an angel baby enough.  I just feel like I didn't give him the same experience Maddox had.  But I also know that I love him just as much as I love Maddox and I know that Jaxon is a very happy baby who hopefully feels loved.  He is such a different person from Maddox and that has thrown me a bit in the way that I mother him.  He is feisty and independent.  He is strong-spirited and temperamental.  He does not sleep as much as he should but he eats everything and anything.  He absolutely and wholeheartedly adores his older brother.  He copies everything Maddox does no matter what it is.  He loves waking Maddox up if he wakes up first.  He loves wrestling and tackling Maddox.  He loves smothering Maddox with kisses and hugs and he loves caressing Maddox's face and smoothing his hair in his attempts to be "soft".  Jaxon also absolutely adores Allan, his "dada".  He is much more affectionate and snuggly with Allan and will just sit on his lap or rest his head on his shoulder.  I think I am Jaxon's last option for interaction other than when he is tired or needs comfort and wants to nurse.  Which brings me to my next topic... I am trying to wean Jaxon and it isn't going so well.  I read about baby-led weaning which is my plan but I feel like instead of nursing less he is nursing more the older he gets.  He doesn't nurse at night anymore and is in his own crib in Maddox's room but from the time he wakes at around 7:30am until the time he goes to bed at 8:30pm, if we are at home, he wants to nurse.  I try distracting him with books or giving him real food but he just gets angry and practically rips my shirt off until I oblige him.  And he gets so sad if I don't let him that it breaks my heart.  So I let him nurse and I enjoy the few minutes that he sits still in my arms and stares up at me with his loving eyes.  Jaxon is so busy and always very rough and active that I am treasuring these last times of nursing my baby.  Also, since we are moving in about a month, I feel like it will help him adjust to the new place and comfort him.  We'll see.  But I am for sure going to have him weaned by the time he is 2.  I really am enjoying some new freedoms that come with having "older" babies and not having any of them sleeping in my room.  So I can only imaging how liberating it will be when I am not nursing nor pregnant AND have my own room.  Wow.  But back to Jaxon... he is still a very intense little guy so he is either very very happy and smiling and laughing.  Or he is screaming, crying and hitting and kicking, biting and scratching.  Most of the daily tasks consist of the latter.  He fights me when I change his diaper, he fights me when I put him in his car seat, he fights me when I try to feed him and don't let him feed himself.  Almost everything is a fight with him.  But there are some things that he loves that he doesn't fight me on: he loves to take baths, he loves to eat if he gets to feed himself, and he loves to help.  Jaxon is my little helper.  He loves to throw things in the trash for me.  He loves to help me go get Maddox's and his clothes for the day, he loves to help me vacuum, clean the floors, and pick up toys.  And he loves to help fold the laundry.  He pretty much loves to help with anything we are doing.  He has a big heart and is a hard worker already at 18 months.  Jaxon is a little above average in height at about 70th percentile but very small in weight at 35th percentile.  He eats so much so I'm not sure why he isn't more chubby.  Jaxon loves to dance and loves music.  He also loves destroying books and magazines and loves to color with markers and crayons.  But Jaxon's main hobby at the moment is being naughty.  He just loves being naughty.  If there is something he isn't supposed to do, he will do it.  If Maddox has a toy and puts it down for a second, Jaxon will seize the opportunity and grab the toy and run.  If someone accidentally leaves a bedroom door open, Jaxon will sprint to the open door and grab the first thing he can that he isn't supposed to touch.  Jaxon loves throwing things in the toilet and he loves digging through the trash.  Poor Maddox has been trained harshly that he must keep all doors closed in the house especially the bathroom doors.  Jaxon's punishments have been evolving but currently, we put him in the corner that is formed with the two couches.  He has been climbing out pretty easily lately so we are now on the hunt for a new containment area.  Jaxon has been going to nursery for awhile now but went on Sunday all by himself for the first time and did fantastic.  He is completely trained with babysitters and the gym daycare so I knew he would be fine.  His favorite toys to play with are puzzles and books.  He is incredibly smart and knows how to do puzzles by himself.  He also loves pointing at all the pictures in the books.  He can say a couple words: Mama, Dada, caca (poop), that, uh-oh.  But other than that everything else is just babbling.  I'm sure he thinks he is talking because he is very animated and vocal.  He understands everything we say and follows directions incredibly well.  He usually beats Maddox to the punch whenever I ask Maddox to do something.  Overall, Jaxon is a sweet, independent, affectionate, energetic little guy.  We couldn't ask for a more entertaining little brother for Maddox.  We all adore Jaxon and still consider him our baby.  I am trying to treasure every second I get with him because time is going by way too fast with him.  In his short time with us, he has already experienced two moves and will experience a third soon.  He has been such a trooper and he is so resilient.  I am so grateful for his patience with me and how quick he is to forgive me.  There are many moments looking back that I am not proud of.  In fact, thinking of those times, I am brought to tears of shame.  I have yelled at him, punished him, put him in time out, ignored him, taken things away from him too often.  I wish that I had let him be more.  Just be the curious destructive baby that he wanted to be.  I am trying to be better and appreciate his craving for independence and desire to experiment.  Life for me is finally settling down and I am feeling less stressed out.  And I say that just before we brace for another move... I love my baby toddler, Jaxon.  He reminds me that my children are my reason.  My reason for waking up every day.  My reason for being a mom.  My reason for exercising and taking care of my body.  My reason for going to church and strengthening my relationship with the Lord.  Right now, my children are my reason for being.  They need me and I need them. Jaxon helps me put things in perspective.  When I am making dinner and he is screaming to be held or when I am trying to clean up toys and he is behind me dumping them out, or when I am trying to sleep and he is scratching at me to nurse, I try to stop and think about what is the most important thing right now in this moment.  It's usually not a delicious dinner, a clean house, or sleep.  But it's always my babies.  I love you Jaxon Ray.